i’ve been thinking lately that sometimes people you consider your friends aren’t always going to give you the feedback you should really be hearing. and not because they are trying to lie to you or just tell you what you want to hear, but because they don’t REALLY know you deep down.
i have a friend who is so amazingly supportive and positive about almost everything. if it appears on the surface to be a positive thing that could bring me some form of happiness and isn’t blatantly self destructive, she will be my biggest cheerleader.
what i discovered is that i don’t think she knows me deep down. i think she knows me in general, but she doesn’t know me as well as, say, my sister. because when i made the choice to walk in to a relationship that i knew in my heart was not what i needed, my friend saw the positives (companionship, sex, apparent happiness) and was of course all about this new person. however, when my sister talked to me about it, she asked me the questions that really mattered…is the relationship bringing you closer to God? does the guy hold you accountable? is he mature? is he ready to take on a situation with a child?
those questions SUCKED. and i didn’t like having to answer them, because it forced me to realize that i was just taking up with some guy that was available to me because i was tired of being lonely, scared of being alone, and because i don’t trust that the person i really need and want deep down is ever going to come along. funny thing is, it was doomed from the start. i may have tried to convince myself in my mind that it could work out, but the elements for a successful relationship were never there. i would have been white knuckling it all along, until it probably eventually would have ended ugly.
i guess i should be thankful that he bailed when he did. and i am. it still sucks to go through the process of missing someone, even when you know they weren’t right. my pride is hurting because of it. and i feel a little foolish. he was a lot younger and i think it was silly of me to think that he could be something serious. i suppose there are those rare occasions when that works, but he’s just pretty much your average guy, and i don’t think anything about his life has really set him apart or made him uniquely suited to be in a relationship with me.
i was thinking this morning that he might have years of mistakes left to make, or he may meet his future wife very soon…you never know i guess. sometimes i wish i could go back to that age and just do things differently. not make as many mistakes. knowing what i know now, i’d be choosing very different guys. very different relationships.
i guess that’s the point of life, right? you learn as you go? i don’t like it sometimes.
i still can’t listen to country music, or a few other songs. they just make my heart hurt. looking forward to when that’s over. i know it’s possible. will just take time, and i’m pulling closer to God, which i know is going to bring me the peace and comfort that i went looking for in the wrong place.